besides myself.

i am venting & beyond tired. so, take everything i say with a grain of salt.

there are days, most days, when i do not feel qualified for motherhood on any level. there are days when i look at my dear, sweet {TIRED} baby & wonder how mothers ever find balance in their lives. there are days when i run to the grocery store without a bra on early in the morning & i finally understand {& sympathize} why some mothers look so haggard & am perplexed where other mothers found the time to put on a bra & make-up. there are days when i cry the entire day because my baby is crying & i have exhausted all of my best silly faces, funny songs, we have read every book & the pacifier still isn't soothing. there are days when i feel really alone as my five month old wails for an hour in his crib after i put him down for naps & then i feel defeated when i have to go pick him up & tell him everything is okay when often i dont even feel myself as though everything is okay. there are days when i sing 'itsty bitsy spider' 80 times over & run out of things on the bus to imitate while singing 'wheels on the bus'. there are days when i plan my entire day around driving to salt lake or park city just so that i can get my babe to rest for 45 minutes.

then, there are days like today. where the babe wakes up four times in the night & after crying for an hour when i put him down for a morning nap {like the books say, mind you} he still cries for another hour in my arms midst rubbing his eyes and pushing me away as i try to nurse, sing, rock, swaddle & generally soothe him back to sleep. days, like today, when i think i am making headway, when i think we are taking steps forward to getting our sleep deprived baby on a sleep schedule & i end up feeling like we are taking four steps backward. days, like today, when i want to scream at the book i am reading because all i read about are success stories & feel like i am the only one living with the story of a baby who cries hour after hour that i try to get him to sleep {regardless the technique}. days, like today, when i recall people saying 'stick to it!' & 'it's worth it' & wondering if it really is because through my tears, headache and generally tired mind i cannot see how that can be the case.

i make it sound like i have a colicky/fussy baby & let me assure you that this is not the case, but it is embarrassing & unnerving when your family or friends comment on how fussy your {once happy} baby is being or what bad habits he has. i simply have a baby who will not sleep. the baby i know just wants to laugh & learn & be apart of the action, but in turn the baby you know {the baby who has not slept} complains & fusses. so here i am, following every piece of advice i have been given & read on sleeping, still feeling besides myself because my sweet little babe refuses to sleep.

there are, however, hours of the day when my babe makes me laugh & when we make each other smile. there are days when we walk to the park, lay on a blanket under the trees & enjoy the sunshine together. there are days when he learns something new & i tell him how proud i am to be his mother. there are days when he giggles when i tickle him & flirts with the ladies at the mall. there are days, every day, when i am happy to call him mine & love him more with every frustrated tear we share. there are moments when roe nuzzles into my shoulder or sits calmly in my lap & even, on the rare occasion, that he sleeps there, in my arms. there ARE days when he naps {my beacon of hope} & however inconsistant they may be i relish in the ever so small accomplishment for both of us. there are days when we lay on our tummies together, he grabs for my camera & i try my best to catch this tender & perfect moment.

on days where it is rough & seemingly no end in sight, i relish, bask & cherish the moments below.